blood hell.

Today I only ate half of a snickers bar. Id like to tell you it was self control, but lets face it if it was self control I would not have bought a snickers. No it was my co worker who acted as an angel in disguise and saved me from inhaling the rest of the nuggety bar. Let me explain. Poor coworker just had nose surgery because he truly could not breath. She got her deviated septum fixed. She took a week off and came back tues. we have this wonderful program at work that lets us walk on our breaks. They encourage us to do 2 20 min walks a day. PAID! So coworker and I were taking a much-needed break. I had this wonderful snickers with me. I had taken a few bites and was not even thinking about the 280 calories I was about to have. Well my poor coworker all of a sudden got a HORRIBLE bloody nose. She still has stitches in so we were both panicked. I put my snickers away to asses the situation. Coworker is bleeding all over. We are 10 mins away from work. We have nothing to cover er nose with so she doesn’t bleed to death. All I could think was I really really don’t want to sacrifice my cardigan. I thought about it. I was wearing a shirt today that has little eyelets in it. Its made to be worn with something under it to be business prof looking but would be fine to a bar with out a tank under it. In about 4 secs I had the under shirt removed and handed to poor coworker. We got her back to the office. Got the bleeding stopped. I pulled out the snickers when all was calm and realized I really didn’t want to finish it. It sounded great but I thought about how much extra work that would be at the gym. I am proud to report I didn’t eat the darn thing. Its still sitting at my desk. And I will probably eat it tomorrow. But for today a bloody nose saved my butt from 20 extra mins on the elliptical.

I did an hour of cardio today. Burned 720 calories on the elliptical. It was really good to feel that burn again. When im at the gym I feel in control. I feel like I have the reins for my life. I wanted to share a song with you that when I work out makes me feel so amazing.

Food is my everything...

guess I realized my relationship with food was different the night I was cooking in the kitchen with Ronnie. I was telling him how excited I was to eat dinner. That I was almost drooling at the thought of it. I remember the meal exactly. Down to the spaces I used. I made this amazing macaroni and cheese. I took organic heirloom tomatoes and put them on top. I had made bread crumbs out of this amazing local sourdough. If you have ever had san luis sourdough then you might understand. I smothered those bread crumbs in so much butter. It was sinful and sexy. Yes. I said it. I had made southern fried chicken that night also and Paula Dean’s , “ not yo mamas banana cream puddin’” I can only describe this desert as heart stopping. In fact after a book club one night when my friend made this.. a woman had to go to the hospital. Once again I’m drooling. So I have explained to Ronnie, who is stoned out of his mind, how excited I am about the meal. That when I eat it I might cry.. and even stoned out of his head he said ( and I will never forget ) “ I have just never been that excited about a meal”

From that moment on I knew id be chubby. My whole life.

So what’s the point of that story? Well I’m now 27. married to a wonderful man and looking to start a family soon. The problem with all this is that I know because of medical issues my relationship with food has to change for me to have a shot at being a mom. So what now?

I was going to the gym before our wedding every day. I worked out 2 hours a day. And though I cut back on food portions slightly I know that with out 2 hours a day I would have gained 400 lbs. So now I have to find some kind of balance between being a wife, working full time, and the gym. I’m so scared.

I feel like I am doomed to this body and obsession with food. Somehow I have to over come it. I have to tell food that even though I love it.. we have to stop what we are doing when people are not looking. I have to stop.

Today I had a super healthy lunch, great dinner cooking, wonderful 2 hr work out today… but I keep thinking now about the bryers ice cream in our freezer.

How do I stop?

So from here on out. I’m simply committed to a new me. And being a better wife.. so if you see me around. Don’t say the word cake for a while.